Something’s happened. It would be too long and too pointless to explain what, but imagine a long timeline and for the past 10 years the same event has been replaying with different people and at different ages, but pretty much the same deal. A film scene on loop – and it’s not a happy scene. It’s that scene in the middle of the film where your heart splutters a little and you actually question if there will be a happy ending at all.
Things happened every single day to every single person out of the six billion odd in the world. It seems improbable that they all mean something. But I’m a firm believer that they do. If there is no meaning behind something then why does it exist? Everything has a role, a purpose and things happen, for a reason, right?
So, me being me, I spend way too much time trying to makes sense of why and how these ‘things’ occur. I know that most of the time it’s not the “thing” that’s important but that it happened. The event, the feelings and emotions, actions and consequences, is what is important.
I question past events, wonder if it’s because of some butterfly effect or atonement of sins that we go through anything at all. Why life is constantly changing, why happiness is almost always marred by sadness and why great memories are eclipsed because they are shared by someone you no longer wish to remember.
I think about the future and what this “thing” means for it. Is it important? Like a turning point in life, an occurrence that will shape me and the people connected with it into the people we will be in five, ten, fifteen years time. Or is it something that I’ll hardly remember, something that drowned in the Sea of Rough Situations that holds no weight in future life?
Yes, I believe we are being examined on our behaviour, our thoughts and deeds in relation to strife – the ultimate question; do we fall to our knees and wail “why, God, why?’ and ultimately fail or do we suck it up and take it? But there is more than just saying “it’s for good reason”, do we truly believe it?
What are the good reasons? Is it to learn something about people, about ourselves, to become closer to the right path, to God? Is it so that we remember to be thankful for all the blessing we do have but don’t really consider; our ability to see, to hear, to touch? What about our ability to think, to even have intelligence for internal dialogue, and the ability to be free, educated and sensible enough to reflect? Are these not gifts and blessing enough that strengthen us through the wave of strife?
Sadly, as a human, I conclude no. It should be, but be honest, it never is.
So what are the good reasons for having dreams swept away and plans broken?
I wonder if it’s as simple as a way of strengthening ourselves, Allah’s tests, yes, but on a deeper level than “our faith is being tested”. Maybe we are being tested in more than faith, but in strength of will and purpose. Maybe we’re being prepped for bigger events. For example, the first time we’re hit with bad luck/news/experience we hurt badly but we get up again. The second time, we hurt, reopen old wounds, berate ourselves, and get up again. The third time, the blow is stronger, it causes internal damage but we mask the bruises until they fade – we tell ourselves ‘they don’t really hurt’. It goes on until eventually we reach the nth time and we go “Hehe, that tickled” and get up and get on with it.
That’s a good way of thinking, isn’t it? Ultimately, you reach a point where you’re almost invincible, made of reinforced steel that even Kryptonite can’t penetrate and weaken. It’s like...you’re strolling and the hardships hit you like blossoms off spring trees. The ultimate state of being; content and with unbreakable faith – life is good, life is in a constant state of sunshine.
But then the pessimist in me gets carried away with devilish thoughts (I’m ashamed to admit this) and wonders why I constantly have to watch this crumbling of “good life” before me, even if it doesn’t hurt anymore. You deal with enough crap you become immune to the smell, even donkey’s follow that logic. I thought I’d become immune, even if sometimes I felt like I’ve played a role in the destruction of something that I’d hoped would survive, I did not succumb to the crippling guilt. All for a good reason, remember?
I thought if a lorry full of angst and problems parked outside my house I wouldn’t bat an eyelid.
However, I’ve discovered today that I’m not protected – I’ve not reached the “tickled” point, or at least I’ve deviated away from it again, back down to normal, insecure, unhappy human. People say that watching from the sidelines is better than having to personally crumble in the spotlight but that isn’t to say that I don’t get chipped too. Who’s to say that being able to do nothing at all while you watch someone pull a trigger isn’t as hard as pulling it yourself? If not harder.
I thought I’d come to terms with being an onlooker, I’m certain I will be for some time yet if not for the rest of my life, but being unable to say or do anything is really hard, especially when I’m able to control the urges to speak up. Especially when all I want is to shake some sense into someone close but I know even one step closer would tip the scales in unfavourable directions.
But add to that, a little bit of my own experience and a grave mistake - I dared to hope.
Hope is empowering but it’s also misguided. It’s much better to take each day as it comes, accept it for what it is, accept that it may never be different, not really. Isn’t it safer that way than to always wait for something to come along and pluck you away from it all? What if that never happens? What if that is the ultimate test, for a purpose I’m sure to spend many more hours pondering?
At the end of all this questioning, this ...whatever you want to call it, I ask myself one last question and it has nothing to do with my faith, with tests or with God; Why is the person I’m so worried about, so hurt over, not even bothered herself?
And more than catastrophic events ever could, that hurts, knowing selfishness is well and truly alive and thriving. Where’s the lesson in that?
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